While on a packed rush-hour New York City subway, I found myself sitting beside a young mother whose sweet but restless baby was in a modest and very worn stroller facing her in the center aisle. Appearing to be no more than 10 to 12 months of age and carefully tucked into the stroller with several plain but sweet little blankets, the expectation was the baby would endure the trip in the stroller, regardless of how fretful she might become. Becoming a bit fretful myself with the ambient noise level, ratio of humans to available space, and what had become a rather eternal journey, I noticed the little one begin to fret and squirm with time. Being the mother of a 23 year old daughter, it was amazing how quickly those old anxiety twinges reappeared as I recalled ”oh my goodness, how will I keep her quiet and content; how will we NOT disturb everyone?”

With what seemed to be magical and very natural movements, the mother’s sweet hands began the soothing motions on each side of the child’s tiny head. Gentle circular motions, first one way and then the other, keeping a vigil of eye-contact and a quiet hum which I assumed only the child and I could barely hear. In a matter of minutes, probably 5 at most, the peace which comes with slumber was apparent and this little one was now resting comfortably despite the perpetual roar and endless bustling from the folks about us.

There was no iPhone, iPAD, Blackberry, Android or even wind-up toy in sight. (And by the way, I adore my iDevices!) No gimmicks and technology of any sort…..just a loving parent engaged with her child …with a strong physical, emotional and very personal connection. And not one word had been spoken.

We must NEVER UNDERESTIMATE the power of that connection as we raise our children, despite the competing propaganda for the latest and greatest gadgets and constant new theories about parenting. Communication takes many forms……… and the baby on the subway is very fortunate indeed. 

As the Thanksgiving Holidays are approaching, many adults are reminded of their own childhood family memories. Whether we are hosting a large family gathering, traveling by car to a celebration, traveling by plane on a longer trip or keeping it small and cozy with the immediate family at home, we have the opportunity of creating memorable holidays and family tradition. Regardless of your family plans, the following suggestions all center around “COMMUNICATION” as the foundation for creating wonderful family gatherings wth long-lasting memories.

A few simple reminders:

1)     PREPARATION -Children (as well as adults) need preparation before being thrust into family celebrations, especially large ones or holidays celebrated in unfamiliar family homes. Discuss in advance who will be attending, go through family photo albums, remembering Aunt Sally, Uncle Jacob and the relevant cousins. Discuss past experiences with family members, things the children played or did last year and anticipate some things which might be happening this year.

2)     Use the “WONDER IF….” and “MAYBE WE COULD…” possibilities. “Wonder if Grandma Jenny will have those yummy turkey cookies this year?” “Maybe we could bake your favorite apple pie and take it to Grandma’s house.”“Wonder if your cousin Jason will bring his soccer ball this year?”  “Maybe we could bring your hockey game for your cousins to play.” 

3)     DE-BRIEFING-Discussing the holiday afterward is very important and allows parents to hear the opinions and ideas of their children.”De-briefing” is good for everyone. It creates an ongoing dialogue with parents and children and allows parents to know what children enjoyed and remembered.

HOSTING THANKSGIVING IN YOUR HOME

Children LOVE to be involved in the planning of Thanksgiving. Their arts & craft projects from school can decorate the home as well as the dining room. Even a formal table setting can be enhanced with your child’s printing family names on placecards for the table. Discuss the menu and get input regarding favorite pies, vegetables, etc., specific to your family. Discuss the games or activities the children can play (with your child as the host) after dinner. Hopefully this will be active games which involve interaction and play with their imaginations rather than just a game boy or iPAD. After the crowd has departed, discuss who was there, what was enjoyable, funny or unusual.

TRAVELING BY CAR OR PLANE FOR THANKSGIVING

Car travel can be a wonderful family time for playing games, discussing the past week, and PREPARATION (see above) regarding the event you are about to attend. Car games include “I am going to grandma’s house and I am going to take a _____” with each person takinbg a turn, adding an item and as the next person has a turn, they must remember all of the previously stated items. It is great fun as well as “Who Am I?” (name the category, description, etc. and the name must be guessed) For example: “I am an animal, I have stripes, I am in the cat family, I live in a zoo or jungle; what am I?” For short trips (1 to 2 hours) family interaction, laughing, singing or playing games is preferable to each person having his own DVD player going, or iPOD, Smart Phone or iPAD plugged in, with virtually no conversation or interaction among the family at all. You may want to make the car a “NO SCREEN ZONE” and have a time when no one is allowed screen time, just family fun time.

When traveling by plane, parents need to pack a bevy of items to keep small children entertained and the iPAD or DVD player can be a life preserver for everyone. However, children also enjoy books, crayons, and other simple toys (especially new ones) which involve interaction and creativity.

Children LOVE tradition, from the simplest worn out decorations to the same favorite pie, they will latch on to their own “family traditions” and insist on those familiar items year after year. Regardless of family size, whether your family is hosting or attending as guests, it is important to see every holiday as an opportunity for family interaction and communication.

There are some wonderful family memories to be made during these Thanksgiving festivities. Don’t miss the opportunity of creating your own personal family traditions and these will evolve from the discussions you have with your children, before, during and after your Thanksgiving celebration.

Stay tuned for Christmas and Hanukkah suggestions……

The birth of a child with any type of special needs can present monumental challenges for a family. Depending on the diagnosis and severity of the symptoms, the affected child may require endless amounts of time and energy from the parents as they find the appropriate professionals and programs for the child.  But what about the other children……perhaps a few years older or younger ones yet to come?

Although parents may be overwhelmed and feel such a sense of urgency to find all of the appropriate special services, it is extremely important to plan for the needs of the siblings. Older siblings may keep their own feelings quiet for fear of burdening their already stressed parents. Some may even harbor feelings of resentment and then guilt for those feelings about their little brother or sister.

These suggestions may be helpful for keeping a balance in the family:

1. Make special time for the sibling’s personal activities and friends 
2. Seek out professional counseling for siblings if needed; sometimes short-term counseling can be invaluable for the entire family
3. Make sure all pertinent questions are answered; some children worry the problems are “catching”
4. Try to balance family conversations so that the special therapies are not always the primary focus and demanding all of the attention
5. Help the sibling with simple explanations for their own friends; and ways to explain about the brother or sister with special needs

Personally I have seen the long-term effects of a special needs child on an extended family as I have a younger cousin who was diagnosed with autism at an early age. I saw first hand the effects on his siblings, parents, grand parents and the entire family. The presence of a child like my cousin reminds us of the beauty of any and all children as well as the strength and power of love….especially love for family. 

The older sister in the following video presents a touching documentary of love, devotion, protection, advocacy and selflessness in the often forgotten siblings…….

 With the excitement of school beginning, children and parents are gearing up for a new chapter, a fresh beginning, moving up to a new grade or even a new school. Often there can be a bit of anxiety, particularly for parents as they send their precious little ones off to a new classroom, to be in the charge of new teachers and in the company of a familiar or not so familiar peer group. The daily separation represents the beginning of independent learning and the child’s growth and development outside the home. For most parents “pick up time” is a warm reunion between eager parent and child. After a few hours or even a full day of school, the child may arrive in a variety of conditions: hungry, tired, dirty, excited, quiet, loquatious or weary. The common mantra, “What did you do at school today?” can be heard in many carpool lines as parents drive off waiting to hear the litany of events which may have occurred during the school day.

 I am reminded how frequently I hear parents lamenting the fact the child simply will not discuss what has happened at school. The typical answer is, “Nuthin.” Parents are encouraged to engage the child in conversation….not interrogation. Discuss what you have done during their absence and ask leading questions or make statements, and then wait for a pause, allowing a natural response. For example: “I had such a busy morning. I saw Grandma and picked up some of your favorite chicken for dinner.”_____ ”I thought I saw your friend Jennifer at school today.”_____ “I saw some amazing art work on the classroom wall, wow.” _____  “Do you need to bring anything special to school tomorrow?”_____ And so on….

 Children will be much more likely to engage in natural, unforced conversation, relating events as they come to mind following leading statements from the parent. After all, this is the way we adults enjoy good conversation, right? If you have more than 1 child in the car, you will want to engage all of the children, encouraging polite, turn-taking conversational volleys among the children and the parent. It can be really fun and you will learn more than you can imagine about their young ideas and unique opinions. Children will also begin to imitate the conversational style of the parents, practicing with the other children in the car. (You are always a role model!)

Keep in mind you are also establishing the habit and value of good CONVERSATIONAL EXCHANGE at an early age, the benefits of which you will reap in a few years when your youngster may become a sometimes recalcitrant,  occasionally secretive, and frequently sullen teen. (Sorry, but food for thought…..)

Thank You David Seidler for giving us the wonderful film last year, “THE KING’S SPEECH.” Millions of people had the opportunity of seeing not only a beautiful film, but gaining insight into the solitary world of an individual with a speech disorder. We often minimize the impact of a speech “difference”, by assuming it is “no big deal” or of little significance compared to all of the other qualities the person may have.

However, if you are the person with the speech disorder, it is NOT A SMALL THING. I once worked with a wonderful young man who stuttered. He was a successful orthodontist with a wife and small children. He had tremendous difficulty on the phone and dreaded calls to referring dentists as well as simply ordering a pizza. Another very bright young woman had poor articulation skills. She had always wanted to go to law school but pushed that dream aside for fear she could not be effective given her speech disorder. Instead she took the science route and worked in a lab, a situation which required minimal verbal intraction.

Never minimize what an individual experiences when speech and communication skills are less than clear and effective. Even a small child (2 or 3 years of age) may avoid or substitute certain words when aware the word may not be understood. Every child should be given the opportunity of achieving good speech and communication skills as early as possible. Early intervention is critical and may impact feelings of self confidence as well as eventual life choices.

Children figure out quickly that we are very easily influenced by the emotions they express. When your child looks sad or hurt by being told she is not allowed to have something she wants or do something she wants to do, it is important to be the gentle but consistent voice of authority. Once she realizes the “drama” doesn’t work and you are going to be consistent with your limits and expectations, it will be easier for the entire family.

Remember children feel and express a variety of emotions long before we think they would be old enough to do so. As parents we need to help identify those feelings but not allow ourselves to be manipulated by our own emotions. The child needs a parent who is loving and supportive…..but also consistent. This is truly one of the most challenging aspects of parenting.